"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." ~Randy Pausch

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Rough Day


You may have read that I gained alot of weight over my "weekend." That lead to a terrible day on Tuesday. My blood pressure kept dropping. At one time it was 80/50. If you've never experienced that before you should feel lucky. I got light-headed, cold and sweaty, and just felt like I was dying. They slowed things down for a while but tried to speed them up again. It just wasn't working. My pressure kept dropping and they finally decided that we wouldn't get it all off. I left a little heavy, but at least I felt a bit better.

I spent some time with Anna after that and then picked Alli up at school. When I came home I had a complete meltdown. I was feeling very sorry for myself. I haven't cried since Anna was born. I think I finally let myself be sad about our situation. I have spent so much time convincing myself that Anna is fine. But this isn't normal, and Anna isn't normal at this point, and our lives are not normal. Tuesday was the first time I asked the question, "Why me?" What did I do to deserve this? What did Jason do to deserve me? Why will Alli and Anna have to grow up with a "sick" mom? It's not fair. Jason is trying to convince me to just plow through it and just deal with what we've been dealt. That's getting harder and harder.

I didn't get to see Anna yesterday, and neither did Jason. She had no visitors and that makes me sad. Jason had Open House and I had my fistula worked on. The doctor did an angioplasty on my arm and it should be ready to use in a couple of weeks. The procedure itself wasn't too bad. It's a little achy right now but I was surprised that I was able to sleep without too much trouble. They just used a needle and small catheter, so no incision. Just a small band-aid.


The doctors didn't call with an update on Anna yesterday, but our goal is still to get her into a regular crib by the end of the week. Feeding with a bottle is next. She had to have her feeding tube changed earlier this week because each feeding was taking too long. They gave her a bigger tube so the formula would move faster. Hopefully that means she's going to gain weight faster, too.


  1. I think it is perfectly normal to ask "why me" and finally break down. You have been through entirely too much not to do this! Remember, we are right across the street if you need anything. Send Alli over if you guys want to spend some mommy and daddy time alone or even head up to the hospital.

  2. I've been lurking here for a while. I went through an episode of acute renal failure after I delivered my second child. My situation was different from yours, but I can certainly empathize with how you are feeling. I had had all sorts of complications with my two children's pregnancies and it just never seemed to end.

    My youngest is now two and a half and everyone is healthy. It took a long time, but we eventually came out the other end of the tunnel. I very much hope that you find yourself in a similar place as soon as possible.

  3. You have been a very strong and brave woman. It's understandable and okay when you get discouraged, sad and angry. Tell Jason.... Bonnie said to just hold you. No advice, no fix it ideas, just hold you. Sure wish we lived closer...sending much love, many hugs and prayers for strength for tomorrow.

  4. I've had plenty of "why me" moments in the past few years, first not knowing if we would ever be able to have children, and now planning for a life with a chronic illness that may disable me at some point. I worry about my kids having a sick mom too, and about still being able to be a contributing partner in our marriage. Some days all you can do is face what is in front of you for that day only, and let tomorrow bring what it will.