"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." ~Randy Pausch

Sunday, December 26, 2010

First Time in a Long Time

I had a bad night sleeping last night. For the first time in a long time I had trouble breathing. It was scary cause it felt like I did when I was pregnant. I'm not sure if it's because of my cough or because of the weight I gained. I gained 2.6 kilos (5.7 pounds). That's alot for me, but not alot for other people. Some come in up 8 or 9 kilos after a weekend. I could tell that I gained alot. I noticed it in my mid-section. My pants didn't fit well yesterday. That's odd for me. I usually notice the weight in my face. They are going to take off 3.6 kilos and see how I feel when I leave. In the meantime, I'm on oxygen...just like the 'good old days.'


It was wonderful and difficult at the same time. It's hard to explain, but I'll try. Christmas Eve was just as normal. We went to my parents' house and opened gifts. This year we weren't able to give my parents what they deserve. They have done so much for us and we just couldn't repay them.

After that we went to church and then to my uncle's house. Again, we weren't able to buy the gifts we used to, so a couple of kids had their feelings hurt. I felt terrible. And after a $10 gift card exchange, Jason and I left with ALL of the gift cards. So nice, but I feel like a big loser.

Christmas morning was the best, and the worst, I think. Our Christmas Angel at school supplied nearly all of the gifts we opened. Alli was not at all disappointed and she kept saying all day that she had a great Christmas. But what kind of Mom can't buy her kids Christmas gifts? Again, I felt like a loser. I'm so gratful for all of the help that we've received this year. But I'm so proud. It's hard for me to take and not be able to give.

Although I know I'm being taught a lesson, it's a lesson hard learned. I know that I'm supposed to take help when it's offered and take it with a smile. But I want so badly to pay it forward. One day I will. One day.

Still Waiting

We're still waiting to hear from the hospital. We really should hear by this week. I just hope they haven't decided to take the week off. I'm not sure Jason will be able to wait that long.


  1. My mother was rarely able to buy us Christmas gifts when I was younger. Nearly every year was funded by relatives or well-intentioned strangers. If anything, it has made me less inclined to peg those needing help as lazy or shiftless, because I know that my mother still couldn't do so despite working 60 hr workweeks and all night shifts. I enjoy paying it forward now, and one day you will get there too.

  2. Thank you. I know that in my head. And I'm sure my daughters will appreciate it one day when I can tell them about it. It's just hard to see that there will be an end to this journey.

  3. I know you have paid it forward in the past, so this is just someone else's chance to pay you back. Try to keep you chin up and enjoy your time off with your girls.