"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." ~Randy Pausch

Thursday, August 19, 2010

I've Lost Track of the Days

Anna's Rough Afternoon

Just like me, her veins are hard to work with and she's a tough stick. The IVs they are giving her have to be removed every 12 hours which is unusual. They had to try to put one in her temple yesterday and that didn't work. They also tried a pic-line which didn't go well either. Finally they had to do a procedure to put a line in her umbilical cord. It took about an hour but they got it.

The stress of the day caused her to have more trouble breathing. So, they put the chest tube in her again just to lessen the stress she's been under.

Good news...she was fed yesterday. They put in a feeding tube and then gave her a small amount of donor breast milk. Once they start they feed every 3 hours. The nurse also said that they will change her diaper every 4 hours and if we are around we can do the diaper change. My pain meds put me to sleep last night so I missed the changes and feedings. I am grateful to be getting some sleep but sad that I'm not getting down to the NICU as much as I should.

Bonding...The Lack Of

I'm starting to understand what's going on. It was SO EASY to bond with Alli right after she was born. I held her immediately and fed her right away. I think this is what is the most difficult part. I can't hold her so I'm not really bonding with her. It's almost like she's not my child. I love her, but I don't quite feel like she's "mine" yet. I feel like a bad mom, but I have heard that some mothers and children just take longer to bond, even if their circumstances aren't as extreme as ours.

Going Home?

The nephrologist and cardiologist say I can go home with the OBs say it's okay. I spoke to an OB resident this morning and she said I can go home today if I feel like I'm ready. I'm not sure if I am. She said I can shower at any time, they will take my staples out today, but I can't drive for several weeks. That's my worry. I want to be able to get up here to the hospital by myself (for dialysis and to visit with Anna). I'll have to sit down and think about my schedule.

More to come...we'll get an Anna update from the doctors and I'll post again.


  1. It was about 6 weeks before I felt "bonded" with Jonah. Mostly because of pain issues- I didn't even want to hold him. Once I stopped BF and my pain was under more control, we bonded just fine. You would never know now that there was any problem.

    I think it was two weeks after my c/s before I was allowed to drive.

  2. Let me know if I can help with a ride or two. It would SOOOO be my pleasure to help out, spend the time with you, and get to see the baby!

  3. Kelly,

    You are NOT a bad mom. You are terrific. Stop beating yourself up. This is a very difficult time for you but you are a strong person and you have a lot of family and friends to lean on.

    You and Anna are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

    Please remember that I'm only a phone call away.

    Love, Colleen